Nothing Burns Like A Memory

I struggle with memories sometimes. Not the good ones; they good ones often pop into my head as a blessing out of nowhere. The memories that aren’t so good are the trouble. They stick around for a long time. They remind me of when I’ve failed myself, when I’ve failed others, and how those failures have resulted in so many ‘bad’ things for all involved.

Memories can be a heavy burden. 

There is a self-talk spiral that sucks me in every once in a while. It usually hits when I’m not ready to deal with it…I’ve just laid down to sleep…I’m feeling really good about life…or I’ve finally found a few moments of peace to just relax…

…then, bam.

My inner voice reminds me that I’m not everything I think I am. And it does so in a cruel way. We’ve all seen the memes about running through all of our mistakes in life in the middle of the night. That’s not my focus today.

I’m talking about the pain that comes from the really personal memories that most people don’t even know about. In fact, we rarely admit to ourselves that they are part of our story at all.

Those moments are hard.

What happens for you when the waves of emotion and regret sweep over you? It can be a lonely place. And yet, it is also important (for me) to remember that those deeply painful memories are only part of my life…they are not my whole life.

So easy to say in a blog post…so difficult to manage in the moment. Yet, we have to manage them. If we don’t, they will start to define us vs remind us of times when we struggled and carried on.

We actually carried on, even in those dark times.

Carrying on is a new way to define those memories that feels a lot better than burning myself up.

What do you think?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

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Resume Virtues and Eulogy Virtues

I had the privilege of hearing David Brooks speak recently, and his message inspired this post.

We spend our lives focused on what we do, our title, our productivity, how busy we are, using all the fancy words, and trying to sound refined and sophisticated and successful….and successful…and successful….

And then people gather to remember us. 

No one says the word productivity.

No one says our job title.

No one mentions how successful we were at improving employee engagement in Q3 of 2014.

Instead, if we had put any time into it…

they remember our volunteerism. 

they remember our kindness.

they remember how we routinely reached out to take care of others before we took care of ourselves.

they remember our impact in our respective houses of worship.

they remember how we were there for our friends.

and they remember our character.

It’s puzzling to me that the most important things in life…only seem to matter in death.

How do you feel about resume virtues and eulogy virtues? 

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Pic: Randy Hain

Shrouded in Darkness

We don’t talk about it much. It’s such an awkward topic to bring up, let alone get into a deep discussion to better understand it. It’s something that ‘happens to other people, not the ones we know.” It’s simply easier to just avoid the topic altogether.

Hold on a minute…

In 2022:

- suicide was the 11th leading cause of death

- 49,476 Americans died by suicide

- men died by suicide 3.85 times more frequently than women

- white men accounted for 68.46% of all suicide deaths

And yet a whopping 94% of adults believe suicide can be prevented.

Silence is a killer. Literally. Particularly when it comes to men’s mental health and suicide. It seems like a good starting place to tackle this issue is to openly talk about it. When we avoid difficult topics to remain comfortable, are we really helping anyone, including ourselves? Or, are we just taking the easy way around a massive problem?

Imagine if 49,476 Americans were wiped out in a single day in some sort of horrible event? It would be a massive news story with congressional hearings and calls for action in every chamber of government.

Yet, we don’t talk about it. At least not enough. Maybe being more vulnerable, venturing into those uncomfortable conversations, posting more content, or simply reaching out to check in on people could make a difference?

I don’t have the answers…but the data is downright scary.

This is a difficult topic. What do you think about it? When was the last time you checked in on someone, just for the sake of checking?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Data source

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Sophisticated Torment

Men can handle everything.

Pull yourself up by your boot straps.

Suck it up.

Boys don’t cry.

I thrive on pressure.

Power through it.

We’re professionals.

We can handle everything the world throws at us.

Just ‘soldier’ on.

There are plenty of us who consider ourselves to be quite sophisticated; and yet, we are not invincible or immune to the highs and lows that life brings to everyone. We all hide the pain, disappointments, and negative self-talk that creeps into our heads from time-to-time.

Please don’t say it doesn’t happen to you. No one will believe you..at least I won’t.

When was the last time you checked in on your strong friends? You know who I’m talking about…the ones who are always full of energy…the ultra-positive characters who seem to attract people to them…the ones that make us laugh…that one person who has it all together.

Make sure you check on them too.

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Note: I’m sharing these posts to raise awareness not to draw attention to myself. I am, gratefully, in a very good place in my life and am truly blessed and happy.

Gut Feeling

Something just doesn’t feel right.

What am I missing here?

There has to be more to the story.

What’s going on?

As a firm believer in data-driven decision-making…I must admit there are times when you need to simply trust your gut. You know what I’m talking about. The level of talking behind-the-scenes picks up…the snide comments slip in meetings…even the occasional eye roll is caught on a zoom call.

Listen. Your gut is speaking to you in those moments.

How should you react? You do have options, of course.

- Let it slide?

- Assume you must be imagining it?

- Address your concerns head-on?

Your decision has consequences regardless of what you decide. I’m a fan of getting to the heart of the matter. Ignoring the signs has never served any leader well.

Thanks for being here.

Jay

Fixed

“If she would just do the work this way she would be fine.”

“If he would simply listen, we wouldn’t have these issues.”

“The choice is so obvious, right?”

“Trust me, I’ve seen this before and am clear on what we should do next.”

Over the years I’ve struggled with judging others. Maybe you have as well. Part of that is human nature (I think) and part is based on serving in leadership roles for the last 30 years where I’ve been asked to make important decisions about the direction of the organization. 

That can be a heavy burden at times.

Where do we find the balance between judging others and getting caught up in our own hubris? Do we even notice when we’ve crossed that line; or, are we simply so special that the ‘line’ doesn’t apply to us?

It’s a slippery slope, as we all work with bright people who see right through those of us that bullrush their opinions through with little awareness of the impact on the team.

When have you seen leaders go too far…all caught up in their own echo chamber of ‘the right way to do things?’

What was the result?

Thanks for being here.

Jay

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The Philosophical Strife

Philosophical Strife

• “The idea that strife, or the conflict of opposites, is the source of meaning and sense.Gunter Figal, a philosophy professor at the University of Tubingen, argues that strife and freedom are related, and that strife is necessary for the creation of sense and meaning.” 

There’s a lot to unpack here, but perhaps a series of questions that come to mind are enough to get us thinking deeper.

• Is conflict actually necessary to appreciate freedom?
• What might be the opposites in your life that trigger philosophical strife?
• How does the interplay between work strife and personal strife impact your view of things?
• Does faith or meditation play a role in how you manage these conflicts?
• Do you have someone close enough to share the deepest elements of your strife?
• When you’re absolutely hopeless, does understanding this inherent conflict help you focus and allow you to regain your footing?
• What happens when you move through conflict and find freedom?

The premise that our entire sense of meaning comes from how we view these opposites is fascinating. Is it simply moving away from stressors to feel better; or, is there something deeper happening?

Thank you for being here.

Jay

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